Back From Falling Off the Face of the Earth

It turns out, I was here all along. I wasn't hiding nor in seclusion like Sandra Bullock... I was simply and quietly accepting what was happening to me.



I struggled not only with the kidney disease. I like calling it "the kidney disease" much like calling it "the Facebook". I find that amusing... I don't know why. But I also struggled with how and how much I was going to share this experience. After my initial email to more than 300 people asking for a kidney, many people had asked me what happened after that.



A lot happened and sometimes, not much happened. It was a lot of testing, more tesing, tears, more tears, and testing again. They were events that I didn't expect anyone to really care about except for a handful of people of course. I struggled with what next for the 300+ people I reached out to. Since I never wanted to be thought of as "the sick girl", I never wanted anyone to feel sorry for me. I was still working out how I was feeling and dealing with the whole thing. As anyone can imagine, being diagnosed with a terminal disease can shake up your whole life.



After I accepted the kidney disease and coped with it by deciding to set aside time to cry about it, get angry about it, and then forget about it. Only then was I able to get out of bed every morning, be a wife, a mother, a friend. I decided to take control of the situation and only deal with it on my own terms.



So when people would ask me about the kidney disease, I would get angry if it happened at the most inopportune times. To me that simply meant, when I wasn't in the mood to talk about it. I would envision myself in an episode of GLEE where Mercedes, Rachel, and Finn would sing Telephone by Lady Gaga. "Stop calling, stop calling, I don't want to talk anymore..."



I would break into hives imagining how many people I would have to rehash updates to. I wasn't strong enough to talk about it over and over and over and over again. I wouldn't remember who I told and where I left off.



But I admit, this was selfish. I realized many people care and wanted to know how I'm doing and what's been happening since I sent out that desperate email. Not knowing what to do, I left it up to people to reach out and if I happened to be in the mood to rehash it, I did. If I didn't... well you know what happened.



So a good friend suggested blogging about it. I never thought I would do this. I was one of the people skeptical about the Facebook and other social media outlets. This is a new adventure for me, but since my diagnosis, I've been jumping in head first into many things and trying them out. Life is too short!



So here goes nothing...